


Fallen

by YumeArashi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Adaptation, Angels, Fallen Angels, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 14:36:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a naive young angel encounters the Fallen, everything he believes comes apart.  But as hard as it is, his new brethren look after their own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fallen

* * *

 

            It goes without saying that angels do not age the way humans do.  Indeed, they do not age at all.  Still, not all angels came into being at the same time, so there is a sense of seniority among them.

            As angels went, Caleb was still young.  Not a child, nor even an adolescent, but still young enough to earn a sort of paternal regard from his associates.  This would not be his first trip to the world of men, but it was still a novelty, and he was determined to do well. 

            He wasted no time in finding his target and delivering the message.  Pleased by his success, he whistled cheerfully as he made his way back.  It was a rough neighborhood, but since most humans tend not to notice angels, he wasn’t worried.

            At least, not until a soft whisper reached his ears.

            “Angel...”

            No one should have been able to recognize him, not unless he made an effort to show his true self.  He spun around to face the whisperer, and felt his blood chill.

            Caleb hadn’t even glanced at the crumpled heap of clothes in the doorway that he’d passed, assuming the person to be one of the many drunken wrecks of humanity that littered the area.  But now that he actually looked again, he could see the aura of dark wings, and for the first time in his relatively short life, he knew fear.

            Until now, the Fallen had been merely a vague rumor to Caleb.  They were not to be spoken of, and he’d barely known of their existence.  Certainly, had his superiors known there was a Fallen in the area, he’d never have been assigned to come here.  He was tensing himself for a quick exit when the whisper came again.

            “Angel, please...”

            It was the sheer desperation in the worn voice that made him pause.  Surely the creature was only acting.  Undoubtedly it had some evil plan.  Doubtlessly it was waiting for him to get close enough that it could wrap its claws around him and drag him to Hell.

            “Please...”

            The Fallen didn’t look dangerous.  But for the midnight wings, it would have been just another drunk, alcohol-clouded eyes filled with hopeless longing and pain. 

            “Help me, angel, please...”

            And surely the Father would want him to show mercy, even if it was towards a Fallen.  To be able to show kindness even to one such as this, was that not what being an angel was all about?  As long as he didn’t get too close, it would be all right.

            “What do you want?”’           

            A spark of hope kindled in the Fallen’s soul-dead eyes.  “Tell me about home.”

            Caleb blinked.  Of all the things he might have imagined, this was none of them.  Why would a Fallen want to be reminded of the life he’d had taken away?  Wasn’t the mere thought of anything divine supposed to be anathema to them?

            “Please, it’s been so long, I miss it so much.  I barely even remember anymore.  Help me not to forget, angel, I don’t want to forget.”

            Caleb nodded slowly, remembering something he’d once heard two humans talking about -- homesickness.  It wouldn’t have occurred to him that a Fallen would suffer from it, but it made sense, really.

            So he spoke of his home in the sky, the silver palaces and pearled streets, and the beautiful people that lived there.  The Fallen drank his words like a man dying of thirst, while tears that angels never wept fell from his closed eyes.  And as he listened, his lips formed a silent mantra.  _I want to go home._

            Caleb was lost in a description of dawn over the lake of stars when he was abruptly returned to reality as strong hands seized his shoulders and shoved him against the brick wall. 

            “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

            Panic would have stolen Caleb’s reply, even had he been able to think of one.  Light grey eyes, icy with rage, burned into him from mere inches away, and the only thought he was able to muster was a faint _I knew it._

            “Leave him alone, Kai.  I asked him to.”

            Caleb hardly had time to gape at the Fallen’s defense of him as his attacker bit out, “We’ll talk about your masochistic tendencies later, Zeke.  Right now I’m dealing with him.”  The last word was ground out with such venom that Caleb whimpered.

            “Shit, Kai, he’s just a kid.  He doesn’t know any better.”

            It was the wrong thing to say.

            “Doesn’t know any better?”  The furious Fallen turned to snarl at his companion, leaving Caleb to slide weakly down the wall.  “He doesn’t know shit!  None of them do!  They just sit back in their comfortable self-righteousness, while we starve and freeze down here!  For no worse crime than daring to think!  For being presumptuous enough to question!”  He whirled again to rage at the terrified Caleb.  “Does your loving Father tell you that?  Do you tell stories of the ones who were banished for a mere thought, damned to spend eternity wandering someone else’s world, wanting nothing more than to go home after centuries of exile?  Or do you whisper bullshit rumors about the horrible Fallen ones, tempters and corrupters of man, who torture the damned for kicks when they’re not leading poor lambs astray?”

            Caleb’s mouth worked, trying to form words that would not come.

            “Yeah, that’s what I figured.  Well, lemme tell ya a little secret, kid.  There is no Hell.”  A vicious sneer twisted his mouth as he spat the words, hatred and sarcasm darkening his voice.  “Our loving Father couldn’t bear to sentence any of his precious human children to an eternity of torment, so there is no Hell.  Except for us.  For us, this is Hell.  We were the only ones He was willing to send to unending torture.  For the crimes of independence, intelligence, even loyalty in some cases.  He won’t damn his human children, be their crimes awful as their twisted imaginations can come up with.  Only us.”

            Caleb’s mind reeled, unrecognizing even the slow, unconscious shake of his head that signaled his denial.  A weak whisper finally managed to escape his trembling lips.  “No...Father...He never would...”

            The dark angel seemed to deflate then, the anger leaving him with the suddenness of a candle blowing out.  “Shit, kid.  Forget I said anything.  Zeke’s right, you don’t know better, they shouldn’t even be sending a kid like you down here.  Go home, be happy, forget all this.”  Caleb hesitated, fear and confusion slowing his steps.  “Go on, get outta here.”

            Watching the bright angel sprint down the dilapidated street, Malakai hoped the youngster would be able to take his closing words of advice.

 

*****

 

            For Caleb, forgetfulness was not easily achieved.  No one asked how his mission had been, for it was assumed that if anything had gone wrong, he’d have spoken of it.  But he didn’t speak of it; indeed, he spoke less and less as his thoughts turned inward.  He took to walking the streets of the golden city alone, seeing his surrounding with new eyes, trying to imagine what it would be like to have all this taken from him forever.

            He tried, frequently, to tell himself that it had all just been a deception.  Everyone knew the Fallen could not be trusted.  They lied as easily as they breathed, did they not?  And yet, Caleb couldn’t quite bring himself to believe it.  How could anyone, even a Fallen, fake that soul-deep pain and anger?  That terrible look of loss, of betrayal? 

            What if they had been right?

            Every time that particular thought manifested itself, Caleb quickly crushed it.  The Father would never do any such thing.  It was all a lie.  It had to be.

            He should forget the whole incident.  Even the dark angel had told him so.  The others, they never questioned their lives.  They were happy.  _For the crime of daring to think..._ Caleb shook his head.

            Why couldn’t he shake this feeling of emptiness?  Why did he want to stand up and tell the others to open their eyes?  Why did everyone’s happiness seem so...blank, so much more like oblivion than true contentment?

            Caleb felt a heavy hand descend upon his shoulder, and looked up.  Inwardly, he quailed.  Standing beside him, face set in the implacable sternness it would always bear, was the Angel of Judgment.  “Walk with me, young one.”

            Caleb fell into step beside the much taller angel, feeling his heart race.  The angel of Judgment was the Father’s right hand, enacting His will as he saw fit.  Rarely seen, the angel was so old that no one even remembered his name.

            That he had business with Caleb could hardly bode well.

            The two angels walked until they were well away from the city, then the archangel turned to Caleb.  “You have questions, young one.”

            Caleb swallowed hard and nodded.  The other angel simply waited, so Caleb gathered his courage to speak.  “Was...was it true, what the Fallen told me?”  He didn’t elaborate; he didn’t need to.  The archangel would know.

            “Why do you desire this knowledge?”

            Caleb took a deep breath.  He would not be damned for this.  The Father would not do such a thing, just for a question.  “Because it can’t be right.  The Father wouldn’t...couldn’t do something like that.  It wouldn’t be fair!”  The last words broke from his lips in a pained cry that was half denial, half outrage.  “They’re hurting, they just want to go home!  They didn’t do anything wrong!  It has to be a lie, it has to be!”

            _But it wasn’t._   The unspoken words lingered on the air, and the angel of Judgment closed his eyes.  A fleeting glimpse of sorrow marred his granite face, but only for an instant.

            “Young one, it is not an angel’s place to question the Father.  Angels are His soldiers in the Holy War, and He needs His warriors to obey His every order without doubt or hesitation.  An angel must always place his complete trust in the Father, even if he does not understand that what is being done is for the best.”

            _For the best?  They’re being tortured for no good reason!_   Caleb tried to stamp out the rebellious thought that raged across his mind, in vain.  The archangel continued without pause, steel-colored eyes open now and piercing Caleb to his suddenly frozen soul.

            “Doubt has tainted you.  You can never again fully trust in our Father.  There is no place for you among the angels.”  He reached out to lay his hands on Caleb’s shoulders, disregarding the look of sick disbelief the younger angel was giving him.  “Caleb Ananais...you are Fallen.”

            The pain was immediate and excruciating.  Caleb’s wings, the most sensitive part of his body, burned with agony.  So terrible was it that he hardly noticed the sensation of falling.  Until, of course, he landed painfully on cold, wet concrete.  Before his consciousness fled into welcoming darkness, his last thought was simply, _impossible._

_*****_

            All through the heavens, and here and there on earth as well, lives paused and heads bowed in sorrow.  Though it was a rare occasion now, all angels, light or dark, knew when one of their number Fell.

            In a small, forgotten house outside of a large city on earth, Malakai swore tiredly.  Time to go pick up the pieces -- again.  He motioned to his friend Samuel, a sturdy ex-guardian angel, and the two of them left to find their newest unfortunate.

            “There.”  Samuel pointed to an alcove in the run-down building’s side wall.  The two Fallen walked over, the slipstream of humanity parting unaware of them.  They rounded the corner and Malakai shook his head.  Huddled in the alcove, shivering with cold, lay the newborn Fallen.  All that was visible of him were the broken, now-black wings, dripping bright, too-red blood that an hour ago would have been silver. 

            Malakai walked over and knelt by the softly whimpering form.  “Hey, there.”  Wide blue eyes, glazed with fear and pain, lifted to meet his, and the older Fallen felt his stomach twist up into a knot.  It wasn’t the first time he’d recognized a newly Fallen, but this one...he shoved down the rising tide of guilt.  The kid needed him now; he could feel awful about this later.

            “Hey there,” he repeated quietly.  “You’re gonna be ok.  We’re gonna take care of you, ok kid?”

            He had to lean down to catch the faint whisper that escaped the trembling lips.  “Hurts...”

            Malakai closed his eyes briefly.  “I know it does, but we’re gonna help with that.  We’re gonna take you someplace safe, ok?” 

            Another whisper.  “Cold.”  Malakai nodded to Samuel, who shook out the blanket he’d brought; as the self-appointed ‘rescue team’, they understood that most new Fallen suffered at least from severe shock.

            “There, that better?”  A tiny nod.  “Okay then, we’re gonna take you someplace safe and warm, all right?”  Another nod.  “This is gonna hurt a little.  We’ll be as gentle as we can.”  Hesitation, then another nod.

            Samuel knelt beside the wounded angel and carefully picked him up.  The young Fallen whimpered in pain and Samuel hushed him.  “Shh, it’s okay.  We’re gonna get you fixed up.  You’re not alone now.”  The burly Fallen’s deep voice seemed to soothe the broken-winged angel.

            “All set to go, kid?”

            Pained blue eyes turned to fix on the dark-haired Fallen, disregarding his question.

            “Why?”

            Malakai’s face tightened, as did his chest.  He tucked the blanket a little closer around the smaller angel’s thin body, not meeting his eyes.  “We’ll talk about that later, okay, kid?  Right now you need to rest.” 

            Whether or not the younger angel accepted his answer, exhaustion settled the question, and Caleb slept all the way back.

            Malakai and Samuel arrived to a much more occupied house than the one they’d left.  The Fallen of the area had gathered to greet the new arrival, and they crowded the living room and eating area, a few in the kitchen helping a motherly former angel of mercy with a stew for when the new dark angel would awake.

            All conversation stopped as the two walked through the door with their burden.  Hisses of anger and murmurs of discontent flared up as the Fallen realized how young the recent bright angel was.  Malakai growled.

            “All right people, we all know it sucks and it’s not fair.  It’s always sucked and it’s never been fair.  That’s life, now get over it.”  He stalked upstairs, followed by Samuel.  A few surprised looks were sent his way, but not that many; Malakai had never been known for his good temper.

            Upstairs, Samuel gently set down his burden on the bed of one of the spare rooms.  He and Malakai quickly set the broken wings, eliciting a few pained moans from the unconscious Fallen.  Once they’d seen to his comfort, Samuel turned to his friend.

            “All right, Kai, what the hell was that all about?”

            “What the hell was what about?” 

            Samuel had known Malakai for too long to be phased by the angry snarl.  “You’re being pissy.  Pissier than normal, that is.  Care to explain why?”

            “No, I damn well don’t.  Mind your own fucking business, Sam.”

            Samuel crossed his arms across his chest.  “Like hell.  I saw the look on your face when you recognized him.  Who is he?”

            “Beats the hell outta me, I don’t even know his damn name.”

            “So you do know him, then.”

            Malakai had to consciously remind himself that yelling at his friend with the injured Fallen asleep not two feet away was a bad idea.  “What the hell does it matter if I know him or not.  I have no idea who he is!”

            “It matters because something about this kid is eating you.  Now spill it before I beat it out of your stubborn-ass skull.”

            Malakai growled again, but he was all too aware that his friend was both willing and able to carry out his threat.  “Fine, you bastard.”  He threw himself down into a chair while Samuel perched on the end of the bed.  “It was maybe a couple months ago I ran into him.  He’d been down here doing whatever when he ran into Zeke, who was drunk as usual.  The damn fool asked the kid to talk about home.” 

            Samuel hissed.  Not only did the Fallen avoid the bright angels wherever possible (and were happily avoided in turn), but home was something they never talked about.  Never. 

            “Exactly.”  Malakai snarled.  “And of course the kid was either too young or too stupid to know any better, so he obliged the masochistic moron.  When I got there Zeke was crying his eyes out, and I lost my temper.”  Samuel wisely constrained the urge to roll his eyes.  “So I slammed him up against the wall and bitched him out.  Told him that everything he believed was a lie, that his beloved Father was a sadistic and arbitrary bastard, and that he and all his fellow angels were self-righteous, complacent bastards.”  Samuel’s lips pursed in a silent whistle.  “I know, it was fucking stupid of me.  Goddamn temper of mine.  I told him to forget about it, but...”

            “But obviously he couldn’t, so now he’s here and it’s all your fault.”  The Fallen guardian stated calmly.  Malakai winced.

            “Never did mince words, did ya, Sam?”

            The burly angel shook his head.  “Kai, I know that’s a hell of a thing to have on your conscience, but this isn’t your fault.”

            Malakai raised an eyebrow.  “Oh?  And how the hell d’you figure that one?”

            “Look, if he were just another angel he would have forgotten it.  You know that as well as I do.  He’d have written the whole thing off as a lie by us sick and evil Fallen, and would’ve gone back to his happy little life.  The fact that he couldn’t let it go shows that he’s too curious, too intelligent, too open minded to be just another little tin soldier.  He’d have Fallen sooner or later anyhow.  Everything’s pre-ordained, remember?”  Rare bitterness tinged Samuel’s voice, and Malakai dropped his head. 

            “Shit, Sam, I’m sorry.  You’re right, I know.”  He smiled wryly.  “It just may take some time for me to believe it.”

            Samuel stood.  “Talk to the kid when he wakes up.  It might help.”

            Malakai grimaced.  “If he recognizes me, he’s gonna hate my guts.  Serves me right, but it’s hardly my idea of fun.”

            The muscular angel snorted.  “Try it.  You might be surprised.”  He left the room, leaving Malakai to gaze pensively at the sleeping angel.

 

*****

 

            Consciousness was slow in returning to Caleb.  His first sensation was an odd blend of pain and warmth.  Stirring a little, he realized he was lying on something soft, not the cold hard pavement he’d been on before.  Something equally soft was drawn over him, wrapping him in a cocoon of comfortable warmth.  Experimentally, he tried flexing his wings, only to receive a sharp reminder of their injury.

            “You shouldn’t try to move much, just yet.  You were hurt pretty badly.”  Had he heard that voice before, or was he just imagining things?  Caleb decided it was time to try opening his eyes.

            The room was fairly dark, probably to accommodate his eyes.  But it was not so dark that he couldn’t make out the face of the person sitting across from him, surprising a startled, “You!” from Caleb.

            Malakai paled.  “Yeah, me.  How’re you feeling, kid?”

            Caleb considered the question.  His wings didn’t hurt nearly as much as they had, but there was an unfamiliar pain in his midsection.  “Not too bad.  My stomach hurts most.” 

            Malakai smiled a little.  “That’d be hunger.  I’ll go see if the stew’s ready.”  He walked to the door and spoke briefly with someone outside it, then returned.  “Sam’s gonna bring up some food for you, ok?”

            Caleb nodded thoughtfully.  “Did you bring me here?”

            The older angel nodded.  “Sam and I did, yeah.”

            “How come?”

            Malakai shrugged.  “We take care of our own, kid.  We don’t leave a man down.”

            Caleb looked blank for a split second, then nodded.  “Ah, that’s right, I’m like you now.”

            Malakai winced.  “Kid, I’m sorry about that, I...”  Caleb’s soft voice interrupted him.

            “You were right.”

            Malakai blinked.  “What?”

            “You were right.  About...thinking, about questioning.”  Caleb’s blue eyes were full of pain, but his voice held steady.  “All I did was ask if you’d been right.  I said that it couldn’t be true, because it wouldn’t be fair of Him.  That’s all.  That’s all I did.  They threw me out.”

            The bitterness in the  former innocent’s voice tore at Malakai, and he couldn’t stop the tears that sprang up in his eyes.  “Shit, kid, I’m so damn sorry, I should never have said anything, I was fucking stupid...”

            “Don’t be sorry.”  The words stopped Malakai mid-recrimination.  Caleb shook his head.  “It wasn’t your fault.”  The younger Fallen smiled, a little painfully.  “I’d like to think I’m not so stupid as to never have noticed that things didn’t quite match what I’d been told.  It just happened a little earlier than it would have otherwise.”

            “But...”

            Caleb didn’t seem to hear the interruption, his eyes distant with memory.  “Everyone seemed so...blind.  No one questioned, no one even thought.  Everyone just accepted everything.”  He returned to himself with a small chuckle.  “Kind of scary, now that I think about it.”  He turned his head to meet the older Fallen’s gaze steadily.  “I’d rather know the truth.  I don’t want to live a lie, even if it is a pretty one.  I owe you, for waking me up.”

            Malakai shook his head, his voice fierce.  “You don’t owe me anything, kid.  Not now, not ever.”

            Caleb tilted his head thoughtfully.  “If I forgive you, will you forgive yourself?”

            Malakai’s eyes widened, but he was saved from having to reply by a knock on the door.  “That’ll be Sam with your dinner.  C’mon in!”  Relief was clear in his voice.

            The door opened and the sturdy Fallen came in with a good-sized bowl of stew.  “Serafina sends her love, and looks forward to meeting you when you’re feeling better.”

            “Thank you...”

            “Samuel.   Pleased to meet you.”  He set down the stew and held out his hand for Caleb to timidly shake.

            “Caleb.”

            “Will you be keeping that name, or do you want to pick something different?”  Caleb blinked, and Samuel continued.  “Some fallen choose to change their names when they get here.  Malakai, here, for instance; though his choice reflects a charming sense of irony.  Serafina, too.”

            Caleb turned toward the just-introduced Fallen.  “Malakai...”  he murmured reflectively, and the subject of his scrutiny looked away uncomfortably.  Caleb chuckled.  “No, I think I’m just a plain Caleb, thanks.  I really can’t see myself as anyone else.”

            The red-haired angel nodded.  “Works for me.  I’ve got some stuff to do, so I’ll leave you in Kai’s tender care.  See you later!”  He grinned at the other two and left before an irritated Malakai could hit him.

            “He seems nice.”

            Malakai grunted.  “He’s a big lump of muscle with no brains.”

            Caleb laughed.  “I take it you’re friends, then?”

            “When we’re not wanting to kill each other, yeah.  C’mon, let’s get some food in you.”

            Caleb looked rather dubiously at the food; it smelled good, but eating was not something that was in his experience.  But his body knew what it wanted, and when Malakai spooned the first bite into his mouth, instinct awoke, and he quickly chewed and swallowed.

            Malakai grinned.  First meals were usually like this.  “Slow down there, kid, you don’t want to make yourself sick eating too fast.”  Caleb just looked at the stew hopefully, little whimpering hungry sounds escaping his throat.  Under the older angel’s careful supervision, he finished the stew in record time.  Sitting back, he was surprised by a large yawn.

            “That means you’re tired.  Not unusual for someone who’s injured and just finished a big meal.  You need more sleep.”

            Caleb allowed the other Fallen to tuck him back under the blanket.  “Kai?”

            “Yeah?”

            “How come I get hungry now?”

            “Fallen are a lot closer to humans than bright angels are, kid.  We get hungry and  thirsty, we can get sick or drunk, we bleed red, we need sleep, we have gender...”  _That’s gonna be a fun little discovery for the kid_...  Malakai grimaced.  “You’ll probably have lots of questions, so anything you wanna know, just ask me or any of the others.  We’ll all be glad to help you out, okay?”

            “Mm, kay.”  Caleb’s voice was already slurring with sleep, but he managed one last question.  “Do we die?”

            Malakai looked down at the slack face, replying softly.  “No, that we don’t.  Death would be too easy.”

 

*****

 

            Caleb awoke to find Malakai curled up in a chair next to the bed, small reading glasses perched on the end of his nose as he idly flipped through a large book.  It was uncharacteristically cute, but Caleb’s enjoyment of the picture was interrupted by his body’s concerns.

            “Kai?”

            The older angel put the book aside.  “’Morning, kid.  What’s up?”

            “My stomach feels weird.”

            Malakai frowned.  Occasionally new Fallen had trouble keeping down food, but it was rare.  “Not like hunger?”

            “No, lower.”  Caleb gestured to the area just below his waist.

            “Oh, there.  Like a pressure kind of feeling?”  Caleb nodded.  “That means you have to use the bathroom.”

            “The what?”

            Malakai groaned mentally.  Usually a bright angel who Fell had been to earth often enough to have at least some idea of what it was like to be human.  He’d never dealt with anyone this inexperienced, and he had to wonder if his initial encounter with Caleb had been the younger angel’s first time away from home. 

            “Okay, kid, it’s like this.  When you eat, you’re providing fuel for your body.  But our bodies are inefficient, so they can never manage to use up quite all of what we take in.  Which means there’s always something left over that needs to be gotten rid of.  Follow me?”

            “So far, so good.” 

            “Okay.  Now here’s the tricky part.  Think you can stand up?” 

            Caleb blinked at the sudden change of topic.  “Do I have to?”  He was comfortable, after all.

            “Well, you don’t have to, but if you don’t, you’ll wish you had.  C’mon, I’ll help you.”  The younger angel grimaced but made no further protest as Malakai helped him up, careful to avoid the injured wings  “Doesn’t hurt too much, does it?”

            “No, I’m all right.”  His wings did hurt, but they’d been bound to his body to reduce the strain that holding them up would have caused.

            “All right.  The bathroom’s right over there, so we don’t have far to go.”

            “Okay...”

            Once arrived, Malakai set Caleb down on the edge of the tub to rest while the amenities of the room were explained to him.

            “What you’re sitting on is a bathtub.  Once a day we wash our whole bodies, either by running the tub full of water, or by using the shower, which is like hot rain on demand.”

            Caleb poked at the tub’s faucet.  “Neat.”

            _Definitely a rookie._   Malakai grinned at the younger angel’s fascination.  “That over there’s the sink, we use it to wash our hands and clean our teeth.  Same as the tub, just smaller.  Right next to you is the toilet.  When our bodies need to eliminate, the waste goes into there, so that when you press that lever it all gets washed away.  That there’s the toilet paper, you use that to clean yourself afterwards.  Make sense?”

            Another nod.  “I think so.  It all seems pretty straightforward.”

            “Yeah, it is.  So now time to put the lesson into practice, okay?”

            “Okay...”

            Malakai managed to wrestle the younger angel out of his clothes where he sat, and was about to continue when he noticed Caleb staring down at his body with a look of undisguised horror on his face.  _Uh-oh..._

            “What’s wrong, kid?”

            “I...what...there’s...”  Caleb sputtered, waving a hand at his lower belly.  “These...things!”  He finally managed to blurt out.

            _Oh, boy._   “Caleb, remember when I told you we have gender now?  Well, you’re male.  That’s what those are.”

            “But what are they there for?” 

            Malakai reminded himself that it was a shock for any Fallen to suddenly discover additional anatomy, even if they knew what that anatomy was.  Which the distraught Caleb clearly didn’t.  “Well, it’s used in elimination, like I said, and sex.”  _Please don’t let him ask, please don’t let him ask..._

            “What’s sex?” 

_Dammit._   “Nothing you need to worry about for a while yet.  I’ll explain it later.”

            Caleb frowned, glaring at the offending flesh.  “They’re ugly.  I’m ugly!”

            “No, Caleb, you’re just male.”  Malakai hastened to reassure the distressed angel.  “All guys look more or less like that without their clothes.”

            Caleb scowled.  “So that’s why humans invented clothes.  They’re all ugly.”

            Malakai suppressed the urge to growl.  “Caleb, are you saying I’m ugly?”

            The scowl disappeared abruptly.  “What?”

            “I’m male too, ya know.  I’ve got just the same equipment as you do.  Do you think I’m ugly?”

            “Well, no, of course not...”

            “There you go.  You’re not ugly either, okay?  Trust me.  In fact, you’re really quite b...good-looking.”  No need to call him beautiful, Kai told himself.  It would have been true, of course; Caleb’s newly-formed anatomy had the same smooth, clean-swept lines as the rest of his slender, graceful body.  But the younger angel wouldn’t have believed it, not at the moment, so there was no point in telling him so.

            As it was, Caleb looked rather disbelieving at the label of ‘good-looking’, but chose to let it pass.  “Anyhow, you were saying...”

 

*****

 

            “Kai?”  The dark-haired Fallen paused in tucking the smaller angel into bed.

            “Yeah?”

            “Why do you call me ‘kid’?  I’m not that young.”

            Kai had to smile at the sleepy scowl on Caleb’s face.  Scowling was just such an un-Caleb expression, it ended up being more cute than threatening.  “Because.”

            The scowl deepened.  “Because why?  I’m not going back to sleep until you tell me.”       

            Malakai chuckled.  “You’ll fall asleep regardless, but since I’m feeling nice, I’ll explain.”

            “You, nice?  Don’t make me laugh.”

            The older angel pretended to be offended.  “You want an explanation or not?”

            “You already said you would, so there.”  Caleb couldn’t resist the urge to stick his tongue out.

            Malakai laughed.  “And you wonder why I call you kid!”  Caleb made another face.  “Okay, fine.  I know you’re not really that young, you just seem it sometimes.”  Malakai held up a hand to prevent Caleb’s frown from becoming a protest.  “Not immature...usually...” He grinned.  “More along the lines of innocent.  And you can’t argue with that.”

            Caleb sighed.  “No, I guess not...but I’m still not a baby.”

            Malakai gave in to the temptation to ruffle the other angels’ messy blond hair.  “I know.  But it’s not a bad thing to be the baby of the family.  For one thing, I suspect you’ll find the other Fallen to be very protective of you.”

            Caleb mock-glared.  “Great.  Like having you around isn’t enough of a pain in the neck.”

            “Ouch!  You sure know how to wound a guy!  So much for innocence!”

            Caleb smirked.

            “Yeah, yeah.  Go to sleep, you little hell-raiser.”

 

*****

 

            “We’re making good progress.  You should be up and about in another week or so.”  Caleb was sitting up in bed, carefully flexing his healing wings, with Kai’s help.

            “Okay.  Then what?”

            “Well, you’ve met most of the regulars around here, but once you’re healed, we’ll  have another meeting so that you can be introduced to everyone.”

            “That sounds nice.  But I mean, what about the long term?  What do fallen angels do all day?”

            Kai smirked “Besides looking after clueless newbies, you mean?”

            Caleb whapped him.

            “All right, all right.  It depends on what we’re used to, what we’re good at, and what we just feel like doing.  For example, Sera was an angel of mercy for a long time, so she spends a lot of time volunteering in hospitals and orphanages and such.  Sam likes to go to the rough parts of town and escort people who might get into trouble, or try to talk to kids that are going down the wrong path.  Ezekiel, who you met way back when, goes around to animal shelters, takes care of strays and stuff.  And...”  Kai trailed off, realizing that his audience was chuckling wryly.  “What?”

            “It’s just funny, in an ironic kind of way.  I mean, here you guys are, supposedly demons of the worst kind, and you’re probably not any different than when you were bright angels.”

            Kai shrugged.  “Some of us.  And like you said, what else would they do with themselves?  Serafina was an angel of mercy for millennia, you can’t just turn that off in a day.  And then some of them have something to prove.  Take Sam -- he was a guardian angel before something happened to his charge that even Sam couldn’t save him from.  That’s what got him kicked out.”

            “That’s ridiculous!  Everyone makes mistakes!”

            Kai just looked at the younger angel steadily.

            “All right, we all know it’s not fair.  Doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

            “That’s the spirit, kid.  Nothing’s sadder than a Fallen who starts believing he deserves to be here.”  Caleb shuddered slightly.  “Anyhow, even though Sam knows it wasn’t his fault, and he’s bitter as hell about what happened, he can’t shake that nagging bit of guilt for having failed, so he feels better if he’s protecting someone.”

            Caleb nodded slowly, then looked at Kai thoughtfully.  “What about you?  What do you do all day?”

            The older angel looked uncomfortable.  “Oh, a bit of this and that.  Sometimes I hang out with Sam, sometimes I volunteer with Sera, sometimes I just wander around and do whatever.”  Kai smiled, but didn’t quite meet his friend’s eyes.

            After a moment, the blond angel asked softly  “What were you, before?”

            “Oh, no one, really.  Just another foot soldier in the Bright Army.”

            A pause.

            “Malakai, please don’t lie to me.”

            “Caleb...”

            “You don’t have to tell me how you Fell or anything, I’m just curious to know what you were.  I won’t care for you any less because of it.  Whatever you were, you aren’t anymore.”

            “Fine!  I was a fucking angel of death, ok?”  Caleb’s eyes widened at his friend’s outburst.  “I ran around with my fucking flaming sword and killed humans by the thousand.  Mothers, fathers, siblings, lovers, friends, little kids, it didn’t matter, I took ‘em all.”  His voice cracked and broke on the last word, softening with pain.  “Didn’t matter who was gonna hurt for it or what the fallout was gonna be, once they got the Mark, they were dead meat.  I must’ve taken millions...”

            Caleb had very little experience dealing with other’s pain, for there was no such thing among the angels.  But his instincts were true, and he leaned forward to pull the dark angel into a gentle embrace, half-healed wings wrapping around the other in a soft circle of comfort.  “Poor Kai, no wonder you Fell.  You’d have had to be heartless to keep doing that.”

            “But it’s not over, don’t you see?”  Anguished grey eyes met Caleb’s worried blue ones.  “I can’t stop being what I am any more than Sera can stop helping people, or Sam can stop protecting them.  If I go with Sera to a hospital, I end up in the terminal wards or the intensive care units.  If I follow Sam to the rough parts of town, there’s a gang war or drug deal gone bad.”

            “Is it because you’re there?”

            “Well, no, I can’t kill anymore, they took that when I Fell -- the one damn thing I’m grateful for.  It makes all this shit worth it, not to have to be doing that anymore.”

            “Then what do you do, among the dying?”

            “I...I try and comfort them if I can.  Give them peace, absolution if they need it.”  Bitter laughter.  “Funny, isn’t it, a fallen angel playing at absolving the humans.”

            Caleb’s arms tightened.  “Not an angel of death, then, just another sort of angel of mercy.  The dying need you as much as the living need Sera.”

            “I...guess, I don’t know.  I just want to stop sometimes.”

            “Well, you’re here now, right?”

            “You need me more than they do.  The bright angels can take care of the dying for a while, no one’s gonna do that for you if we don’t.”

            “Well, there you are.”  Caleb smiled ruefully.  “And since I think I’m gonna need taking care of for quite a while, I’d say you’re in for a nice long break.”  Kai chuckled quietly and rested his head on Caleb’s shoulder, content for the moment to let the younger angel stroke his dark hair.  “And I’ll always be here when you need me.”

            Kai’s arms came up to wrap around the younger angel.  “Thank you.”

 

*****

 

            “Kai?”

            “Mm?”

            “What’s sex?”

            A raised eyebrow.  “Why do you ask?”

            “Well, because last time I asked you told me you’d explain later.  It’s later.”

            “Yeah, and I also told you it was nothing you needed to worry about.  It’s still nothing you need to worry about.”

            “Why are you ducking the question?”

            _Dammit._   “Look, it’s really not something that’s going to affect you right now, so forget it.”

            “Maybe the answer won’t affect me, but the question will.  I’ll keep wondering until you tell me.”

            _Those puppy eyes ought to be illegal._   “Okay, fine.  Sex is when two people come together physically, usually in order to procreate.”

            A confused expression.  “How does that work?”

            A sigh.  “Well, a woman has an entrance to her body which leads to her womb, where her seeds are stored.  When a man wants to have sex, his...primary piece of equipment gets all stiff and upright.  He puts it in her entrance and it sends his seed to meet hers.  When the two seeds come together, a kid starts growing.”

            “So only men and woman have sex together?”

            “Well...that’s not true.  Two men, or two women, can have sex with a little improvisation.”

            “But how can they, without the right equipment?  And why would they, since they couldn’t have a child?”

            The sound of a clearing throat.  “Well, two women can use...er...a substitute, and two men use a different entrance.  As to why, sex can be an expression of romantic love, hence the term ‘making love’.  Or it can simply be for its own sake.”

            “It sounds disgusting.”

            Laughter.  “Yes, and you thought your new body was ugly, too.  When done right, sex is extremely pleasurable.”

            A thoughtful silence.

            _At least that’s over with._

            “So can Fallen have sex?”

            Choking noises.  “Yes.”

            A giggle.  “You’re cute when you’re blushing.  Do we procreate, then?”

            A glare.  “No.  We go through the motions, but nothing ever comes of it.”

            “Does it feel good for us, too?”

            _He’s doing this on purpose, I know he is!_   Caleb’s face was a study in innocent curiosity.  _Which is suspicious in and of itself._ “Yes.”

            Another giggle.  “Neat, maybe you can show me sometime.”  Caleb bounced out the door, ignoring the outraged yell behind him

            “WHAT?”

 

*****

 

            “What?”

            “Can I come with you?”  The smaller Fallen repeated his question.

            “No.”

            “Why not?”

            “Caleb, you don’t want to see what I do.  It’s not pretty.”

            Caleb rolled his eyes.  “I know that.  I want to come anyway.”  The older angel hesitated, and Caleb continued.  “Look, it’s not like I’ve never been outside before.  I’ve already gone out with Sam and Sera, and I made trips to Earth before I fell.”

            Kai snorted.  “What, all of two?”  Caleb just crossed his arms across his chest.  “Fine, if you really want to, you can come with me.  But you’re gonna regret it.”

            Their first destination was the main highway that ran through the town.  A sports car was wrapped around a concrete bridge support, the driver having apparently tried to take the curve too fast.  As the two Fallen neared the car, the driver’s mistake became clear -- trapped behind the crushed dashboard was the mangled form of a young adolescent, looking hardly old enough to have been in control of such a vehicle.

            Kai shook his head.  _They always think they’re immortal when they’re young._   With a glance at his white-faced companion, he approached the boy.

            The driver’s eyes widened in terror.  The dying could always see Kai, whether he wished it or not.  The boy’s collapsed ribcage didn’t allow him to speak, but the words forming on his torn lips were clear enough.  _No!_

            Kai sat on a flat corner of the crumpled hood, reaching through the remains of the shattered windshield to gently smooth blood-matted hair from the boy’s face.  “No one wants to die, kid.  But it happens to everyone, sooner or later.  This isn’t the end.  There’s a spot in heaven waiting for you.  It’s nice there, you’ll like it.  And you’ll see your friends and family there one day.” 

            The boy nodded, the fear leaving his face.  As he relaxed, a shudder ran through the thin body, leaving the wide eyes blank.  Kai nodded and turned to the young Fallen. 

            “You ok?”

            Caleb face was ashen, his eyes wide with horror, but he nodded firmly and gathered his voice.  “Just fine.  Where to next?”

 

*****

 

            Caleb tugged on the older Fallen’s arm as Kai paused at the sound of a new mother’s wail of grief.  “You can’t help her, Kai.  She wouldn’t listen.”

            The dark-haired angel allowed himself to be pulled away reluctantly, grey eyes fixed on the hospital room door.  “No, I suppose you’re right.”

            “Come on.  I saw a park not far away.  It’s a nice day, we can go there and relax for a bit.  You’ve done enough for one day.”

            “No, not enough.  It’s never enough.”

            Caleb looked at his friend, but made no comment as he led the surprisingly docile Fallen to the small park and settled them in a sunny patch of grass.

            “There, that’s better, don’t you think?”

            “Mm.”  The noncommittal hum was the older angel’s only answer.  Caleb lay back on the grass worriedly.  The other Fallen’s eyes were too distant, not focusing on anything, and his closed posture wasn’t encouraging.  Unfortunately, Caleb had no idea what to do.  He closed his eyes, feeling the warmth of the sun, and just spoke.

            “I love weather, you know?  It sounds funny, but it’s true.  Because it’s so new to me, I guess.  The first time I came down here, it was raining, and I was totally amazed.  My companions all laughed at me.”  Caleb looked over at his friend.  Kai was smiling, doubtlessly amused by the image of a rain-soaked, astonished Caleb.  Encouraged, Caleb continued.  “I still like rain, especially when it’s warm and gentle.  Though there’s something fun about a storm, too.  I haven’t seen snow yet, but I bet it’s neat, too.  Though I don’t know if I’m going to like the cold very much.  Sunshine is my favorite, of course.  It’s so warm and soft, it feels like a hug.”  Caleb smiled at Kai.

            “You like hugs a lot, don’t you?”  It was an understatement, really -- by now the smaller Fallen was well-known for distributing random hugs to all and sundry, on any and all occasions.

            “Of course.  Hugs are always good.”  The blond Fallen nodded sagely, and wasn’t surprised when his friend pulled him into a close embrace.  “That feels like a hug, too,” he joked, feeling the darker Fallen chuckle against him.

            The two fallen angels stayed that way for a moment, then Caleb spoke quietly.  “Those people would have died alone, in fear and regret, if it hadn’t been for you.”

            The taller angel stiffened, but didn’t pull away.  “I know...I’m sorry you had to see that.”

            “I didn’t have to see anything.  I bullied you into letting me come with you, if you recall.  And you were right, it wasn’t pretty, but you know, I never realized until today how necessary death was.  Think how horrible it would be if those people were trapped in their bodies, unable to escape the pain.  Dying isn’t such a bad thing.”

            Kai stared at his friend.  Hoping that his words were helping, the smaller angel continued.  “What you do is just as important as what Sam does, or Sera or Zeke or any of the others.  You take the burden of fear and guilt so that these people can pass over in peace, and you do it at the cost of your own grief.  How can you hate yourself for something so selfless and beautiful?”  The older Fallen’s jaw worked, but no sound came out.  “I admire you, you know.  I never did anything more than run errands.”

            Kai’s jaw shut.  “You were young.  You hadn’t been assigned permanently yet, had you?”

            “No, I hadn’t.  But I doubt that anything I would have done would have been as noble as what you do.  That you have the strength to keep sacrificing yourself like this is something I can’t even fully grasp.”

            Kai shook his head.  “I’m not strong.  You don’t know how many times I’ve tried to run away from this.”

            Caleb nodded.  “Well, of course you did.  You took a break every now and again to keep your sanity intact.    No one expects you to do this nonstop.  You have to sleep, you have to eat.  Taking a rest is just as important.  None of the others go out every day, do they?  Why should you?  The world doesn’t stop if you’re not there to hold it up.”

            Kai smiled weakly.  “I keep telling myself that, but it never helped much.”  He tightened his arms around his friend.  “Hearing it from you, though, I can almost believe it.”

            Caleb let himself be held for a moment before pulling away grinning.  “Of course you can, because I’m always right and you know it.”  He tapped Kai’s nose with a fingertip and laughed as his friend made a face.  “Hey look, it’s an ice cream truck!  I’ve never had ice cream before, Kai, can we get some?  Pleeeeeeease?”

            Kai laughed.  He couldn’t imagine being able to resist those pleading puppy eyes.  “All right.”

            “Yay!  I’ll beat you there!”  The smaller angel took off running with his friend behind him, laughter trailing after them both.

 

*****

 

            “Hey, Kai!”  The dark-haired angel looked up as his friend bounced into the room.  He set aside his book with mild resignation, knowing that he was done reading for the day.

            “Yes?” 

            “It’s raining!”

            Kai blinked.  “Yes, I noticed.  It’s a good thing, it’s been too hot and humid, this will help.”  He fanned his wings in illustration.  He’d gone shirtless because of the heat, but it did little good, his summer-bronzed skin shining with sweat.

            Caleb rolled his eyes.  “C’mon!”

            “Where?”

            “Kai, you’re no fun.  To play in the rain, of course!”

            “I don’t suppose it’d do any good if I told you I’d really rather just read my book, would it?”

            “Not at all!”  Caleb grinned and tugged at his friend’s wrist.  The older angel sighed and followed patiently to the door.

            Outside, the rain was coming down in silver sheets, hard enough to obscure the trees on the far side of the large lawn.  Kai looked at Caleb dubiously.  Caleb smiled.  This would be fun, once Kai loosened up and got over himself.  And to that end...

            “Tag, you’re it!”

            “Argh!”

            Some time later, Caleb flopped onto the grass, tired but happy.  Playing in the rain was fun!  He and Kai had torn around the yard for a while until Caleb had slipped on the wet grass and they’d gone down in a tangle of limbs.  Naturally, a fierce tickle war had ensued, with Kai emerging mostly victorious.

            The blond angel rolled onto his side and looked over at his friend.  Malakai was kneeling in the short grass with his wings arched and his arms raised skyward, as if to welcome the rain.  His jeans shorts were soaked and clinging to his body, streams of water caressed his smooth chest, and his eyes were closed and his lips slightly parted as he allowed the rain to kiss his face.  He looked magnificent.

            Caleb was startled out of his admiration by a sudden flush of warmth and a twitch in what he preferred to call his ‘personal regions’.  Looking down, he found that his own rain-drenched shorts displayed a sizable lump that had not been there before.  Puzzled, he cupped his hand to the lump and ascertained that yes, it was his main personal, and for some reason it was unusually sensitive.  He lay back in the grass and pondered this new development. 

            He wondered briefly if he was sick, then recalled something Kai had told him not long after he’d arrived.  _When a man wants to have sex, his primary piece of equipment gets all stiff and upright._   So, he wanted to have sex?  That didn’t make much sense, since he didn’t even know what sex was.  It had happened when he was watching Kai, so that must mean he wanted to have sex with Kai.  Well, he supposed that if he were going to want to have sex with anyone, it would be Kai.  Wanting sex involved not only affection, but a certain amount of trust as well.  Caleb didn’t think he’d want to be that vulnerable with anyone else.

            Caleb glanced over at his friend again, hoping Kai hadn’t seen his reaction.  He needn’t have worried; the older angel was now flat on his back, quite possibly napping.  At least that’s what it looked like.  The blond angel tried to imagine what it would be like to kiss his friend, to maybe touch that soft-looking skin, even to have the dark angel touch him in return.  Each image that came to his mind was accompanied by an even stronger reaction than the first.

            The young Fallen sighed.  At least that settled the question of whether he was attracted to Kai.  Now, he just had to do something about it...

 

*****

 

            “Caleb, cut it out.”

            The smaller Fallen wrapped his arms around his annoyed friend and smiled up at him.  “No.”

            Malakai growled.  For some reason, a few weeks ago the blond angel had decided to start flirting like mad with him, and it was wearing his patience thin.  “Dammit, Caleb, I told you to stop!”

            “Why should I?”

            “Because if you don’t, I’m gonna lose my temper, and you won’t like it.”  _Because if you don’t, I’m gonna end up calling your bluff, and that’s bad._

            Caleb grinned saucily and snuggled up against the taller Fallen.  “Do your worst!”

            Malakai’s temper, never long, snapped.  “All right, you asked for it!”  He seized his friend by the shoulders, pressed him against the wall, and kissed him.

            Caleb had long since learned that Malakai’s bark was far worse than his bite, so he wasn’t surprised that despite his friend’s momentary ferocity, the kiss was gentle, almost tentative.  _Not that I really thought he’d kiss me at all...I wonder what I was expecting..._   And with this vague consideration, Caleb decided that thinking was a waste of time, and concentrated on trying to kiss back.

            However, no sooner had he started than the taller Fallen pulled away.  Caleb made a small, protesting sound and pulled his arms tighter, but Kai’s hands were firm on his shoulders.

            “Caleb, no.”

            “Why not?”  Serious this time, with soft voice and gentle eyes.

            “Because I won’t take any more of your innocence from you.”

            The blond frowned.  “Malakai, we’ve gone over this.  I’m not a child, and I’m not that innocent.”

            “And whose fault is that?”

            Incredulously, “Don’t tell me you’re still agonizing over that?”

            The darker angel looked away.

            “Kai, what does it take to get it through your thick skull?  I forgave you!  It was not your fault!  If you took anything from me, it was ignorance, not innocence!”

            “I know...”

            “...But?”

            A shrug.  “You’ve never seemed like one of us.  Because so much of your innocence remained intact.  You aren’t a child, but you’re still so young.  There’s so much purity in you.  I can only destroy that, you should never have come anywhere near me.”

            Bluntly, “You’re being a complete moron.”

            A sad smile.  “Since when is this anything new?”  Kai leaned down to brush a quick kiss across Caleb’s forehead and left before the younger Fallen could stop him.

            Alone, Caleb scowled at the just-closed door. 

 

*****

 

            Obviously, the person to consult in this case was Samuel, and when Malakai hadn’t returned after a few hours, Caleb found himself knocking on the guardian angel’s door.

            “Yo, kiddo.  What’s up?”

            Caleb rolled his eyes.  “Kai’s being an idiot.”

            Sam snorted.  “So what else is new?”

            “Well, I’m not sure how to talk him out of it this time.”

            “That is unusual.  I gotta say, you’re normally pretty good at knocking some sense into him.”

            “Thanks, I think.  Anyhow...”  Caleb described the scene for the older Fallen.

            Sam whistled softly when Caleb had finished.  “That’s a can of worms and no mistake.  Though I can’t say I’m surprised.”

            “Yeah, well, can of worms or no, how do we fix it?”

            Sam leaned back in his chair and fixed the blond with a sharp look.  “Before we do anything, there’s something I want to know.”

            Caleb looked slightly puzzled, but nodded agreeably nonetheless.  “Ask away.”

            “Why have you been flirting with Malakai?”

            The younger angel blinked.  “Well, as far as I understand it, flirting is a human way of expressing affection.  Am I wrong?”

            The ex-guardian angel sighed.  “Well, no, you’re not wrong, but there’s more to it than that.  Flirting is also an invitation of sorts.”

            “An invitation to have sex?”

            Sam choked.  “What do you know about sex?”

            “I asked Kai.  He wouldn’t tell me at first, so I kept bugging him until he told me.”

            The redhead laughed at a sudden mental image of an acutely uncomfortable Kai being pestered by a wide-eyed, innocent Caleb.  “Boy, I can just picture that one.”

            Caleb grinned.  “It was fun.”

            Samuel chuckled.  “I can imagine.  But anyhow...”

            Caleb thought for a moment.  “Kai told me that sex was, among other things, an expression of love.  So I’d be willing, if that’s what he wants.  His description sounded a little weird, but he said it feels good, and I trust him.”  The young Fallen’s face softened.  “And I do love him, you know.”

            A sigh.  “Yeah, I know.  Otherwise I’d have kicked your ass for stringing him along.”  Caleb paled a little at the thought of being on the receiving end of one of Samuel’s infamous ass-kickings.  The red-haired Fallen shrugged.  “Ok, so I’m overprotective.  It’s what I do.  As long as you take good care of him, I won’t have a problem.”

            “You guys have been friends for a long time, haven’t you?”

            “Hell, yeah.  We’d known each other for quite a while even before we Fell. And we’ve been down here for a very long time.  A very long time.”  The older angel’s voice trailed off, and Caleb awkwardly rested a hand on his shoulder.  Sam let it rest there for a moment before shrugging.  “So it goes without saying that I’m protective.  You guys will be good for each other, if Kai ever gets over himself.”

            “And how likely is that?”

            “Well...I doubt anything will ever be able to convince Kai to quit disliking himself.  An angel of death with probably a couple million kills under the belt, that’s hard to shake off.  And the fact that he’s still drawn to death, even now, really doesn’t help.  I’ve had hundreds of years to try to convince him that it doesn’t matter.  Maybe you’ll have better luck, I don’t know.”

            “If it takes me thousands of years, I won’t stop trying.”  The small angel’s voice was soft, but bright with determination.  The other nodded in approval.

            “For now, though, your best bet will be to convince him, not that he’s worth it, but that worth doesn’t matter.  That love isn’t about deserving or not deserving.  Show him that you’re going to love him and stick with him no matter what he tries to do to shake you off.  That is, of course, if you really are willing to go through whatever he might try.”         

            “I understand.”

            Another sharp look.  “Do you?  Trust me, until you’ve been in love, you have no idea what’s in store.  The person who holds your heart in his hands has an infinite capacity to hurt you.  It’s not unthinkable that Kai might decide to drive you away by hurting you as much as he can.”

            The blond angel flinched.  “Why would he do that?”

            “Because he thinks he’ll be hurting you less in the long run.  Because, as we both know, Kai is a moron.”

            Caleb smiled weakly.  “That’s true enough.”

            “Don’t worry too much.  If he tries anything that spectacularly idiotic, I’ll kick his ass.”  Sam smiled and ruffled the smaller angel’s blond hair.  “Kai’s not the only one I get protective around, you know.”

            Caleb smiled and gave the redhead a quick hug.  “Thanks, Sam.”

            “Ah, it’s no biggie.  Now get outta here, I’ve got stuff to do.”

 

*****

 

            Caleb wasn’t worried the first night that Malakai didn’t come home, or even the second.  The dark-haired Fallen was annoyingly apt to disappear every now and again, turning up a day or two later, with no more explanation than ‘I had things to take care of.’

            But when the third day had come and nearly gone with no sign of Kai, Caleb was worried.  He planned to ask Sam for help after supper, but after seeing the blond angel’s pale, anxious face at the dinner table, the ex-guardian excused himself. 

            “I’ll be back in a bit.  I’ve got some things to take care of.”  With a reassuring smile at Caleb, he left.

            Samuel wasn’t much surprised to find his friend in a cemetery.  The Fallen’s grey eyes watched a distant funeral that was taking advantage of the long summer evening, the sounds of grief carrying across the soft grass.

            “You’re being morbid.”

            The dark angel snorted but didn’t look up.  “And hello to you too.”

            “You wanna explain why you ran off?  Caleb’s really worried.”

            Grey eyes flickered briefly to his friend’s face, then looked away.  “That’s not my fault.”

            “Like hell it isn’t!  What’s your problem?”

            A shrug.  “I got restless.  You know I don’t like to stay in one place for long.  Caleb doesn’t need me anymore.”

            “You’re wrong.”

            Anger flashed across the classic features.  “Well, so what?  I didn’t ask him to feel anything for me!”

            Sam resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  “Of course you didn’t, you’re too masochistic.  When are you gonna get over this whole ‘I don’t deserve to be happy’ crap?”

            “Shit, Sam, I’m a murderer!  Did you forget that or something?”

            Sigh.  “Forgive me for thinking that you’ve expiated your sins by now.  You did what you were told because you didn’t know any better.  In case you hadn’t noticed, you’ve spent several hundred years in exile, eaten up by remorse and guilt, further raking yourself over the coals by spending your spare time comforting the dying.  If you haven’t beaten yourself up enough by now, you never will.”

            “Exactly.”

            Sam swore.  “Look, you jackass, you can hurt yourself all you want, I can’t stop you and right now I don’t want to.  But you’re hurting Caleb, and for that I’ll cheerfully kick your ass any day of the week.  He wouldn’t even eat at dinner, he was just sitting there, worried sick, picking at his food.  He’s starting to think he’s done something wrong, said something to drive you away, and he’s tearing himself apart inside over it.”

            Kai’s head snapped up.  “That’s not true!  He didn’t do anything wrong!”

            “Well, then, get your sorry ass back there and tell him so!  Unless you enjoy making him cry, that is.”

            “He was crying?”

            Sam had to hide a smile at the near panic on his friend’s face.  “Go on, get outta here.”

            The dark-haired angel left the cemetery at a near-run, and Sam waited until he was gone to laugh.

 

*****

 

            “Where’s Caleb?”

            Serafina looked up at the abrupt, slightly breathless demand.

            “He’s in bed.”

            “So early?”

            “He said he was tired.  He didn’t look very well, and he didn’t eat much supper.  I hope he hasn’t got that summer flu that’s been going around; it’s a bad one and he’ll take it hard if he’s caught it.”

            Kai barely heard the tail end of Sera’s musing, as he was already taking the stairs two at a time.

            Caleb stirred as Kai barged into the room as quietly as possible.

            “Hi.”

            Kai looked guilty and started to back out of the room.  “Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.  Go ahead back to sleep, we can talk in the morning.”

            The smaller angel smiled weakly.  “I wasn’t asleep.  Please, would you stay?  I’d like some company.”

            Kai sat on the edge of the bed and brushed the hair out of his friend’s face, frowning slightly.  Caleb did have a slight fever, but hopefully he was just worked up over Kai’s absence.  A Fallen’s first illness was usually severe, and the flu that had been making the rounds was no joke even on its own.  “Caleb, I’m sorry I ran off.  I didn’t mean to upset you or make you worry.”

            Caleb curled against his friend.  “It’s ok.  You just needed some time to think.  I was fine.  Glad you’re back, though.  I missed you.”  His words blurred with sleep.

            “Not so fine, it looks like.  Go to sleep now, you’ll feel better in the morning.”

            The smaller angel didn’t answer, being already asleep.

 

*****

 

            “Good morning, sleepyhead.  How are you feeling?”  Kai’s smile hid worry over the slender Fallen.  Caleb’s fever was higher, his face pale and drawn with pain.  He’d kicked off the covers several times already, and his breathing was erratic and labored.

            “Not so good.  Hurts.  Sorry.”

            Kai drew a damp washcloth over Caleb’s forehead.  “Nothing to be sorry about.  Being sick is like that.  It looks like you caught that flu that’s going around.  I won’t lie, you’ll be pretty sick for a while, but we’ll do everything we can to help you feel better.  Think you can take some medicine?”

            The smaller angel swallowed the medicine dutifully, but turned ashen as his stomach nearly rejected it.  Kai pressed the cool washcloth to Caleb’s forehead and encouraged his friend to take deep breaths until the nausea had passed.  Caleb fell back against the sheets, whimpering softly.

            “I know, being sick is no fun.  Take a nap now, it’ll help.  Maybe later you’ll feel up to eating something.”  Caleb gave his friend a blearily skeptical look.  “I know.  But your body can’t get better if you’re not giving it something to work with.  Just a little soup or something, and maybe we can find you some different medicine, okay?”

 

*****

 

            “How’s he doing?”  Kai turned wearily to greet Samuel. 

            “A little better.  He’s sleeping between the coughing fits, and he managed to keep down some juice earlier.  But his fever still hasn’t broken.”

            “At least he’s not coughing all the time now.”  The youngest Fallen had been wracked with terrible coughing spells that had allowed him no rest; even after his lungs were too weak to continue coughing, his body had still convulsed with the effort.  Kai had confided to Samuel that he was terrified of seeing blood on the smaller Fallen’s lips after each fit.  Sam hadn’t seen his friend that scared in a very long time.

            “Yeah.  It’ll help that he can sleep, and eat.  But I wish his fever would go down, at least some.  This can’t be good for him.”  They’d tried everything they could think of to bring the fever down, up to and including ice baths, despite the patient’s protests.  Kai had nearly fled the room at Caleb’s pained screams.  He still hadn’t quite forgiven Sera for the futile suggestion.

            “I know.  But it’ll break soon enough.  Remember when you got sick the first time?  At death’s door for two weeks and all?”  Kai nodded.  It was the only time he’d ever seen Samuel cry, as the ex-angel had begged Kai not to leave him alone.  Only recently fallen, they hadn’t known then that they couldn’t die. 

            “I remember.”  There were a few moments of silence as the two thought of their early days in the world of men.

            “Oh, by the way, I did have another reason to harass you, besides checking on the kid.”

            “In other words, you’re going to chew me out about something.  Great.”

            “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t feeling guilty about him getting sick.  Knowing you, you’re making it your fault.”

            “If he hadn’t been worried about me...”

            “He’d have still gotten sick.  Do the words ‘contagious illness’ mean anything to you, moron?  It’s called the flu.  Everyone gets it.  Hell, I’d lay fifty bucks that before the month is out, everyone in this building will have gotten at least mildly sick from it.”

            “But the timing...”

            “Is something he can thank you for.  You’d rather he got this sick in midwinter?”

            Kai winced.  “Well, no.”

            “Well, then.  By the time winter rolls around, he’ll have built up some immunities, and it’ll all be good.  You really can’t blame yourself for this one.  You know he’d have gotten sick anyhow.  You’re here, you’re taking care of him, so that negates any baseless guilt you may have been having.”

            “Yeah, yeah.”

            “Speaking of which, I don’t suppose you’ve noticed that you’ve gone a few days without sleep.  I’m guessing that if I suggest you take a nap and let me watch him for a while, you’ll just glare at me, right?”

            Kai glared at Sam.

            “I figured as much.  Anyhow, I’ll get you some food, you can still eat while you do the whole mother-hen thing.  And don’t forget that if you collapse from exhaustion, you won’t be much good to anyone, much less him.  I don’t wanna get stuck nursing your sorry ass if you make yourself more of a target for this damned bug than you need to.”

            “Yeah, yeah.”  Kai shook his head as Sam turned to leave.   “Oh, and Sam...”

            “Yeah?”

            Kai smiled.  “Thanks.”

            “Anytime, Kai.”

 

*****

 

            Kai awoke to see a pair of soft blue eyes regarding him with evident amusement.

            “Good morning, sunshine.”

            _Shit, I fell asleep!_   Caleb’s fever had broken the night before, and with the worst over, Kai had apparently relaxed enough for his exhaustion to catch up with him.  Not that he’d intended to, of course.

            “Hey there.  Feeling better?”  Kai bustled around, straightening covers and trying to hide his embarrassed blush.

            “Yeah.  My chest still hurts, but the rest of me feels better.”  The smaller Fallen’s voice was worn to a whisper by its ordeal.

            “That’s good.  Sera makes some stuff that we can put on your chest to make it feel better.  I’m guessing you’ll want a bath first, though.  And probably some food.”

            Caleb nodded, grimacing.  “My skin feels gross.  And I could eat enough for twelve.”

            Kai laughed.  “Well, since you’ve been sick for over a week and eaten nothing but a few bowls of soup and some juice, that’s understandable.  I’ll get someone to make something up for you.” 

            He’d gone for the door to catch the attention of the nearest person when a soft murmur stopped him.

            “Hey, Kai?”  The dark-haired angel turned to see his friend looking rather apologetic.  “I’m kind of sick of soup...would it be too much trouble to ask for something else?”

            Kai smiled.  “No trouble at all.  Of course, I’m not the one who’s making it, so that goes without saying.”

            The blond angel chuckled softly for a moment, but it turned into a slight cough.  Kai was at his bedside in a moment.

            “Relax, it’ll help.  I’m sorry, I didn’t realize laughing would make you cough.  Are you ok?”

            Caleb smiled reassuringly at his friend.  “Fine, don’t worry about it.  I’m never taking breathing for granted again, though.”  He made a face.

            Kai smiled, the worried lines of his face relaxing.  “All right.  Let me just get someone to make you some food and we’ll get you that bath while they’re working on it.”

            The food was requested and the bath was run in short order, but when Kai went to carry Caleb to the bathroom, the smaller angel protested.  “Kai, I’m not that weak!  I can walk on my own.”

            The darker angel raised an eyebrow.  “After being sick in bed for a week and a half?  I’d like to see you try.”

            Caleb did try, and fell back on the bed with a surprised expression.  “I didn’t realize I was so exhausted.  I’ve been asleep for over a week, how can I still be tired?”

            Kai shook his head and he gathered his friend up in his arms.  “Being sick is just like that.  You might just be lying in bed, but your body is waging a war inside, and it wears you out.”

            Caleb allowed himself to be set on the edge of the tub and undressed.  “How often am I likely to get sick?”

            “Not too often, and it won’t be this bad again.”  Kai hastened to reassure his friend.  “The first time being sick is always hard on a Fallen, because your body doesn’t really have any experience at handling this sort of thing.  The first time I was sick, I was half-dead for twice as long as you.  It scared Sam shitless; it was the only time I’ve seen him panic.”  Kai grinned wryly.  “I know how he felt, now.  You had me worried, you little punk.”

            Caleb smiled at the description of himself, then regarded the older angel thoughtfully.  “Why be worried, though?  You said that we don’t die.”

            Kai had never known that Caleb had heard him.  “Yeah, but there’s a difference between knowing something with your head, and understanding it with your heart.  When someone you love is hurting, it scares you, even if you know better.”  Kai frowned at Caleb’s now-revealed body.  “You lost too much weight.  We’re going to have to take care of that.

            Caleb glanced down at his body, idly noting that his bones were significantly more prominent than they’d been.  His mind, however, was turning over Malakai’s words.

            Luckily for Kai, Caleb’s thoughts scattered when the hot water touched his illness-sensitized skin.

            Kai stopped lowering the other Fallen into the water when Caleb’s soft gasp met his ears.  “Did I make it too hot?  I can run some cold water in there if you need to.”

            Caleb shuddered as a hazy memory of icy water closing over him surfaced.  “No, it’s fine.  No more cold water.  It just startled me.”

            Kai scowled.  “You remember the ice bath, huh?  I coulda killed Sera for that one.”

            “Don’t worry about it, Kai, she was only trying to help.”

            “Yeah, well, she failed.”

            Caleb shook his head at his friend’s thunderous expression.  “Hey, Kai, can you give me a hand here?  I hate to seem weak, but...”

            The distraction tactic worked admirably, as concern quickly replaced the anger on the dark angel’s face.  “Don’t worry about it, you just got over being sick.  Here, just let me get a washcloth...”

            Bathing Caleb, Kai decided, was one of the more difficult tasks he’d had to complete.  The taller angel had long ago conceded his attraction to his younger friend; along with the fact that letting the aforementioned friend notice said attraction would not be a good thing.  The grey-eyed Fallen tried to focus on Caleb’s too-prominent bone structure, while repeating a mantra of _he was just sick - he is too thin - and too weak - now is not a good time_. 

            The sleepy contented purring sounds Caleb was making were not helping.

            Kai hesitated when he reached the smaller angel’s wings.  While sick, Caleb hadn’t had the energy to keep them retracted, so they were as much in need of cleaning as the rest of him.  But an angel’s wings were not only a rather personal matter, they were also extremely sensitive at the best of times.  If the rest of Caleb was still affected by the illness, then touching his wings could be either extremely painful, or...

            “Caleb, wake up a sec.”

            “Hmm?”

            “I have to clean your wings.  It could be painful, but I’ll be as careful and as quick as I can, ok?”

            Blue eyes blinked up at Kai for a moment before the blond angel nodded.  “It’s ok, Kai.  I trust you.”

            Kai bit his lip as his friend turned over, repeating his mantra steadfastly.  “All right, here we go.”  He opted to forego the rough washcloth, soaping his hands and cleaning the soft feathers with quick, light touches.

            Caleb gasped as the sensation ran, amplified, down his skin.  Kai had said it might hurt, but this wasn’t pain.  The slight caresses felt like they were burning themselves into his body, but it was a different kind of fire, and Caleb found himself wanting to plead for more.

            “Am I hurting you?”  Kai’s rough voice broke across the smaller angel’s frantically humming mind.

            “No.”  The word had come out as a strangled squeak, and Caleb hoped desperately that Kai wouldn’t ask.

            “All right, but tell me if it hurts, ok?”

            “Ok.”

            Kai swore quietly to himself.  It was better than pain, he supposed, but it still was hardly an ideal situation.  Caleb didn’t need to try to understand -- or experience -- sexual arousal in his current state of health.  He finished his task as fast as possible, trying very hard not to think about what the other Fallen might currently be feeling.  Once done, he gave some particularly tender skin a fierce tweak.

            “Ow!”

            “Sorry.”

            Caleb noticed, with relief, that the pain had promptly overridden the other feelings.  As enjoyable as it had been, he hadn’t really wanted to face Kai in an extreme state of....need.

            The dark-haired angel cleared his throat.  “Think you’re feeling up to getting dried and dressed yourself?  The food should be about ready, I can go bring it back here.”

            Caleb eyed his friend suspiciously.  Malakai had to have known; he wasn’t stupid, and that painful jab at the end couldn’t have been an accident, not after he’d been so careful before.  Kai’s face was closed, his eyes showing nothing of his thoughts; which was unusual.  _And cause for suspect._   The blond shrugged mentally.  _If he wants to let me save face, I guess I should just be grateful._   “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

            “All right, I’ll be back in five minutes.”

            Five minutes later, Caleb eyed the plate in front of him and sighed.

            “Something wrong?”

            “Well, no, I mean it’s nice of you guys to make food for me...”

            “But?”

            “Well, look at it.  Plain chicken, carrots, and potatoes.  It’s still soup, just without the broth.”

            Kai laughed.  “I didn’t think of it like that.  We wanted to make something simple, so that if your stomach turns out not to be fully better, it won’t be too hard on you.  I promise that if you do okay with this, your next meal will be more interesting.”

            “Can we go to that Japanese steakhouse that just opened up?  It sounds really good...”

            “As soon as you’re better, I’ll take you.  Fair enough?”

            The smaller angel smiled sunnily.  “Sure is!  Thanks, Kai.”

 

*****

            “Hey, Kai?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Does Sam love you?”

            The taller Fallen choked.  “What?”

            “Well, when you were taking about being sick, you said that when someone you love is hurting, you get scared, and you said that Sam was scared when you were sick.”

            _Crap, I hoped he didn’t remember that conversation._   “Well, Sam and I do love each other, but not in the romantic kinda way.  I mean, as a couple, we’d strangle each other.  It’s more of a brothers-and-best-friends kind of love.”

            Caleb tilted his head curiously.  “How so?”

            “Well, Sam and I knew each other even before we Fell, you know.  Different lines of work, so we weren’t real close, but we were still friends.  We Fell close to the same time, and that was way back when there weren’t many other Fallen.  We stuck together because we had to, it was just us back then.  That’s part of why Sam got so worried when I was sick; we didn’t know yet that we couldn’t die.  He was afraid that I was gonna leave him alone down here.”

            Caleb shivered.  “That must have been terrible.  I didn’t really realize what a good thing it was having you all here to help me.  I can’t imagine if I’d tried to make it down here on my own.”

            Kai looked away and spoke softly.  “You would have ended up like me, and that’s something I’ll always be grateful never happened.  It’s worth every moment of effort, to look at you and see how bright you still are.”

            Caleb’s wings folded softly around the dark angel.  “I wish I could take away everything that ever hurt you.  I wish I could take away your pain.”

            Kai smiled down at the slender Fallen as he returned the embrace, remembered pain lifting from his eyes.  “You do, Caleb.  Knowing that you care balances out so much of the bad.  You help me forget the nightmares.”

            Caleb rested his head against the taller angel’s shoulder for a moment, then spoke softly.  “I love you, you know.”

            Kai closed his eyes, trying to silence the demons that screamed for him to push the smaller angel away, his voice thick as he spoke.  “I know.”

            “I don’t care whether you think you deserve me.  I don’t care whether or not you do deserve me.  What you have been, what you might be, they don’t bother me.  It’s what you are now that matters, and that’s the Kai that I love.  You can try to push me away, even hurt me if you think that will help, but it won’t stop me from loving you.”  Caleb pulled away far enough to look the other Fallen in the eye.  “I love you, Malakai, and I want you to be happy.  I want to help you to be happy.”

            Kai pulled the smaller angel close, his cheek resting on the bright hair.  “I want that, Caleb.  I want to be happy.  So much...”  Pain and longing, centuries old, twisted together in his voice.

            “You can be, Kai.  You can let yourself be happy.  Just let it go.  Guilt and remorse, you don’t need those things, not here, not now.  It’s just you and me here now, and I love you, and that’s the only thing that matters.”

            “I love you, Caleb.  I do love you.”  The dark angel’s voice was fierce, almost defiant.  “I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it, but I do love you.”

            The blond angel smiled gently as he brushed tears from his lover’s face.  “I don’t know much about love myself, you know.  After all, I’m just the youngest Fallen around.  But we can learn together.”

            Malakai held Caleb close, feeling himself relax more fully than he had in a very long time.  “I’d like that.”


End file.
